Monday, June 23, 2008

Born to be wild-ly guilty

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ok, it's like this. When Catholics are baptized, the so-called holy water they pour on their heads? Is actually Guilt Water that is Guaranteed for life. There is no money back because they have yet to find a Catholic on whom it didn't work.

When they pour it on the baby's head, it soaks into the brain where it resides until they die (maybe afterwards but, really, there's no way of knowing) just like the polio shot scar that we old folks have.

There's no proof of this part but I believe we come out of the womb guilty. That's why we cry. That's a newborn's way of saying "I'm sorry." The louder they scream, the more guilty they are.

Like most people who have looked death in the eye, I like to think of myself as a strong person. I do Ironman. I have two black belts, one of which is a second degree black belt. I was a kickboxer who never lost.


I feel guilty when I can't get a workout in. Or when I feel like I'm letting someone else down. Or when I can't get a workout in and I feel like I'm letting someone else down (Hi, Coach Bob). Which, when you think about it, is really selfish - not a strong factor in someone who feels like they shoulder the weight of the world on behalf of others. (The world should be significantly lighter with all the Catholics holding it up but that's just not true.)

My long bike ride has a reputation of being my Achille's Heel. Prior to today, it eluded me because of my stupid job. Now, I'm doing a favor for my mom. I know, I know, I know this will get better after I get home (refer to stupid job that I no longer must endure). But right now, right this second - AGGGHHHHHH. Guilt. More guilt. Headache guilt. Guilt on a bun. Dirty socks guilt (which reminds me, I left clothes in the dryer.) Stick my head in the toilet guilt.

Currently, there are people walking on the roof dropping branches on my head. It's probably just God or whomever is the current Chancellor of Guilt. I shouldn't feel guilty about this, right?

I've decided on my next tattoo. I'm going to get it on my chest (possibly even more painful than my back - dunno if this is possible but if it is, then I deserve it, right? And it's going to say "Guilty" written in that Olde English lettering usually reserved for family names.

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